Memorial of the Destruction
After the destruction of the Temple, our sages decreed that we must make a memorial of the destruction at every happy event, as it is written, “If I forget you, Jerusalem, let my right hand forget its cunning. Let my tongue stick to my palate if I do not remember you, if I don’t raise Jerusalem over my greatest joy.”
Construction: Our sages decreed that a person may not build a building that is plastered and painted like a palace. A person may not whitewash nor plaster his entire house, instead one plasters or whitewashes (or paints) the house and leaves an amah by an amah opposite the entrance with no whitewash (or paint), in memory of the destruction. If he has no place opposite the door, then he should leave a different location without whitewash, as long as it is a prominent place.
The obligation to leave an amah by an amah applies to only one room of the house, the entrance room. See the Mishnah B’rurah who left unresolved as to why the custom is to be le-nient about this, and see the Kaf Hachayim in the name of Rav Chayim Falaji as to the damage caused by being lenient about this.
One who has two entrances to his house, and each entrance opens to a different room, must leave an amah by an amah in both, otherwise people won’t see the amah by amah when entering from the other entrance.
One should leave an amah by amah whether the walls are painted or wallpapered. One should not paint the amah by amah, not even with black paint.
In a wall which is wallpapered, one should leave the amah by amah both without wallpaper and scrape away any paint or whitewash.
Someone who rents or buys a painted apartment from a Jew, and they didn’t leave an amah by amah, must scrape off an amah by amah of paint. If one built one’s own house and had it painted without leaving an amah by amah, then all the more so must one scrape off an amah by amah of paint. It makes no difference whether the amah by amah was not left unpainted on purpose or by mistake.
Some authorities say that one who bought or rented an apartment that is painted from a gentile is not obligated to scrape off an amah by amah of paint.
Plaster partitions nowadays are cheap, temporary, and people don’t decorate them. Therefore the rules of plaster from the days of the sages don’t apply to them, and even if one paints them they are not considered a palace (see paragraph 2). Still, one must leave on them an amah by an amah without paint.
There is no need to leave an amah by amah in synagogues and Batei Midrash (houses of study).
A sukkah which is adorned with beautiful curtains and drapes is ex-empt from leaving an amah by amah, unless he lives in it during the year as well.
Yeshiva students may not scrape away an amah by amah in their rooms on their own accord, because their dormitory rooms are con-sidered like a Beit Midrash, and also perhaps the whole dormitory is considered like one house.
A soldier in the army may not scrape away an amah by amah in his quarters since he is like a temporary renter, therefore he may not scrape the walls without permission of the owner of the house.
Meals: Our sages decreed that one who prepares a meal for guests must leave a place empty on the table in memory of the destruction of Jerusalem. If there is a list of dishes that are normally served, one should omit one of them, so that it will be noticed that this is in memory of the destruction. The empty spot must be noticeable, without a plate. The best thing is to fold the tablecloth there, or to leave one seat empty, so that the memorial of the destruction will be noticeable.
Some wrote that one should do so at a meal celebrating a mitzvah, as well. However, the custom is to leave a memorial for the destruc-tion at regular meals only, but not at meals in honor of a mitzvah. On Shabbat and the holidays one does not make a memorial for the de-struction.
In the holy Zohar it is written: Somebody who is eating at his table and enjoying his food, must remember and worry about the Holy Land that has been desecrated, and about the King’s palace that has been destroyed. In recompense for the sadness that he had at his ta-ble amidst all of the happiness and drink, (that he sympathized) with the (sorrow of) Divine presence, it is considered as though he built God’s house and rebuilt all that was ruined with the Tem-ple. His lot is excellent.”
Jewelry: Our sages decreed that a woman shouldn’t wear all of her jewelry at once. This applies even on Shabbat and the holidays. In the bridal veil there may be neither silver nor gold thread.
Engagement (Shidduchim): After the Ashkenazim finish writing and reading out loud the marriage agreement (T’na’im), their cus-tom is to break a plate, in memory of the destruction. Some have the custom to break a plate that was already broken. The Sepharadim do not do this nowadays.
Chuppah (Wedding Canopy): It is the custom nowadays that the groom breaks a glass item (usually a goblet) under the Chuppah, and says sadly, “If I forget you, Jerusalem, may my right hand forget its cunning. May my tongue stick to my palate if I don’t remember you, if I don’t raise Jerusalem over my greatest joy.” This item should be whole, not broken nor cracked. Some have the custom that the groom places some ash on his head on the place of the head-t’fillin before proceeding to the Chuppah.
Some praise the groom and tell him “Mazal Tov” after he breaks the goblet, and do not realize that the breaking of the cup is in memory of the destruction, and its purpose is to reduce the happiness. God will atone for them. It is therefore good to mention out loud to the groom before he breaks it, that he is now to break the cup in memory of the destruction, and that way he will break it with a bro-ken heart.
It is a mitzvah to sing and play music in order to gladden the groom and bride. However, it is forbidden to “fill one’s mouth with laugh-ter” during our lives in this world, even in the midst of rejoicing in a mitzvah, as it is written, “Then (in the future) we will fill our mouths with laughter.”
Happy gatherings not for the purpose of a mitzvah: It is prohibited to have a happy gathering of Jews for purposes other than a mitzvah. This is because such gatherings cause one to forget the destruction, and is considered “a mocking sitting.”
Someone who sees gentiles rejoicing should groan and feel pain over the destruction of Jerusalem, and pray to the Holy One, blessed be He, that He rebuild Jerusalem speedily.
Song: In a similar vein, our sages forbade singing or hearing song while drinking wine. This includes singing without musical accom-paniment, even those secular songs that aren’t otherwise forbidden, and even at the celebration of a mitzvah. (For clarity’s sake, “love songs” are forbidden — the secular songs that aren’t forbidden are the “secular” poetry by our great poets, Rabbi Y’hudah Halevi, Rabbi Avraham ibn Ezra etc.) However, songs that are praise and thanks to God are permitted.
In a place where people aren’t drinking wine one may sing those secular songs that aren’t forbidden. It’s forbidden to have musical accompaniment with those secular songs, and even to hear them ac-companied by music from a radio or recording is forbidden. How-ever, for the purpose of a mitzvah, e.g., a bar-mitzvah, wedding, or circumcision, it is permitted.
It is the opinion of the Magen Avraham that it is forbidden to sing regularly every day even holy songs, and one may sing regularly at Shabbat meals only.
It is forbidden to fit holy words to tunes of profane, lusty songs.
A woman may sing lullabies to her child under two conditions: [A] There are no men in the house (besides immediate family members) and [B] they should be holy songs, and certainly not lusty or other forbidden songs.
One who sees the site of the Temple: One who sees the site of the Temple, which is nowadays in gentile hands, must say: “Our holy and glorious temple, in which our forefathers praised You, has been burnt, and all that is dear to us has been destroyed.” Then one rips one’s clothing like a mourner. One says without mentioning God’s name and kingship, Baruch Dayyan Ha’emet ki kol mishpatav tzedek ve’emet etc. Then one bows towards the site, and then says the en-tire Psalm 79.
When one sees the Sha’ar Rachamim one says “its gates sunk into the ground.” When one sees the golden dome one rips one’s clothing, even if one didn’t see the floor of the Temple Mount. If it happens that one sees the Western Wall only, and noth-ing of the Temple Mount, then one doesn’t need to rip.
If it has been thirty days (or more) since one saw the mosques on the Temple Mount, one rips again.
Someone who lives in Jerusalem is not obligated to rip.
Someone who comes on Shabbat and sees these places doesn’t rip. If he comes again within thirty days of that Shabbat, he doesn’t rip then, either. The custom is that someone who comes on Friday af-ternoon, Rosh Chodesh or Chol Hamo’ed does not rip, and one may lenient about this.
If those who see the site don’t want to tear their clothes, then ac-cording to the law, they may pass a shirt between them. In other words, one rips the shirt, and then may pass it to the next person who puts it on and rips it again, etc. However, this is not the right way to behave, as a person should be distressed over the destruction of Jerusalem and mourn and lament it — the house of our God is worth losing a shirt. The custom is to rip only one piece of cloth-ing — one’s shirt. (Even mourners whose custom is to rip their jack-et, rip only their shirt over the destruction of Jerusalem.) Every per-son who mourns over Jerusalem will merit to see its rejoicing.
Someone who sees the ruined cities of Judea says “Your holy cities became a wilderness,” and rips his clothes. The obligation to rip is only from when one is close to them, like from Mount Scopus to Je-rusalem, or any other place from which one can see Jerusalem. Someone who sees the ruined cities with binoculars is obligated to rip his clothes.
A city of Judea that is occupied and controlled by gentiles, and the Israeli army cannot enter it, is considered a ruin. Someone who sees such a city should rip his clothing.